Suicide

Rage

People rage a lot. 

Have you heard of the news where a student committed suicide? Her death made students rage as they threw chairs out of their classrooms and burned them. Was the act really necessary? Does that make the doer of the action cool? Did it solve anything, probably a ritual to bring back a person to life? No. 

A strong desire can either be beneficial or lethal depending on how you execute that energy. A person can be heard when conveying thoughts or can be unheard when an action is done before expressing self with words. I mean they could have just communicated with someone than destroying properties that apparently, they will not even replace.

Suicide

The University of the Philippines is also getting a lot of ill-favored feed backs regarding their decision. What I can see is that all fingers are pointed at the university. Does it really just revolve on that factor? 

Philippines is a hard country to live on. 

She can't be the only one who is struggling. A lot are struggling, a lot have probably been turned down though they did not choose the path of ending their lives. Shit really happens and it is up to you to do what you want. Kill yourself or live and get a different path. 

"....walang free lunch sa mundo. sobrang baba na ng tuition fee sa UP kapabayaan na lang ng magulang yun at hindi maganda ang upbringing ng bata dahil wala syangtakot sa Dyos. simple lang yan kung walang pera tumigil muna at magtrabaho. magulang ko di rin ako kayang pag aralin pero di ako nagreklamo at di ako nagpakamatay. nga working student ako. lahat may solusyon sa problema" - comment in the inquirer

I agree with what he/she said. 

It's a person's choice. 

I'm not pro suicide or whatever. I mean if I had a troubled friend I'd help my friend out and bring him/her back  to reality. What people say are important. What people consider as problems for themselves are important even if it sounds easy for you. I mean continue to listen to emotional outbursts or the people around you. Annoying as it is, it is helping them in a way. It is important to have an outlet.

Here's her suicide note I was able to search:

“Mahal na mahal ko ang pamilya ko. At lahat din ng iba pang nagmamahal sa akin. Di ko lang talaga rin kinaya. Sana mapatawad at ipagdasal niyo ko. Salamat sa lahat magkikita pa ulit tayo. Sorry pero kailangan ko lang talagang gawin to ”

There was no hate written. She didn't tell what was her real problem. Perhaps her family and close friends are the ones who will be able to assume what was the cause.


Lesson
The lesson I think we should get from the tragedy that happened is that we should keep our loved ones uplifted. If they are passionate on something and fail, we must be there for them.

Honestly, I get ideas of just ending everything. But I do not have the courage to do so. Sometimes I don't care if it was my last today, it won't matter. It is a personal thought. If that thought is not cut out by something  it will grow stronger.

The ones that can stop it is yourself or words someone says that uplifts you, or something that you do work out.

That's how far as I know.

In her case, nothing worked out for her.

I can't really blame the school on this matter. They have set rules. Probably a lot of students have plead. Probably some were not granted but no tragedy happened.

That's just how it goes.

There has to be something bad that will happen before a change will occur.

Life.

It is really twisted. 

Slacker

It's really funny if you're not so disciplined, but you have been thinking about doing something in your mind that you end up wanting to do it at 11:30pm - just hours before the deadline. HAHA. It feels funny because you know that you don't care with that kind of shit, but at the end of the day there is no other feeling but guilt. 

A little bit of guilt since you know for a fact that it is your job and for your own benefit. But who gives a shit? LOL. 

Slacking off.

Procrastination.

You believe you still have time, that you still have later. Later, later, later, and then OH SHIT what time it is? Then it'll blow your mind. Start to decide whether you give up on it or carry on. If you give up on it, embrace the consequences. Carry on? Well of course another inch to that dark circles under your eyes. Not only that since for sure it'll come with "go home you're drunk" statements the next morning.

Weighing both sides whether to do it or not on the wee hours -- I mean just drop it. Drop it dude you don't have a chance. You've been given 24 hours for this day it won't happen. You are doomed. Better sleep. HAHAHAHA.

That is, if you're not serious.

That is, if you have another chance.

That is, you got some magic powers to stay on top.

Are you on top?

Oh I forgot!

NOT. 

HAHA.

Up to you bro.

Just a random thought. 

Introvert

If you're an introvert, you also know that the bias against quiet can cause deep psychic pain. As a child you might have overheard your parents apologize for your shyness. Or at school you might have been prodded to come "out of your shell" -that noxious expression which fails to appreciate that some animals naturally carry shelter everywhere they go, and some humans are just the same.

I cannot help but agree with this quote especially the one in which people tell you to "come out of your shell". I heard that several times

"wag kang mahiya"

The more I hear this line, the more I crawl inside my shell. It makes me think, am I doing it wrong? It does not result to anything better in fact, it makes things worse. Instead I think people can say "kaya mo yan" instead of "don't be shy".

Being shy is natural, being nervous is natural. People must accept that these kinds of emotions HAPPEN.

I think what those people need is a push at the back, not a suppression of feelings.

(C) imagesource

Random People

Parang mas gusto ko mag tagalog sa post na ito. Kakaiba kasi yung araw na 'to e.  Umaattend kasi ako ng classes and people just come and go so you don't usually befriend someone. You just talk randomly. Awhile ago it was a first when someone actually offered a handshake. I'm used to the "mind your own business" kind of atmosphere in Santolan. 

However in Quezon Ave. people are more talkative. The guy was awkward, he popped out of nowhere during lunch. I don't mind though. I just find it, different. In addition to that, while sitting at 7 Eleven this random lady began talking to me. My initial reaction was, "why is she talking to me?". Well I answered back to her queries and even smiled like I know her. Just wow. I think I just broke the "Do not talk to strangers" rule. Probably it is normal for her to randomly talk to the next person sitting beside her. So sure, talk to me lady. He also talked to her so randomly and started to talk about work. The topic "work" is like the "in" thing after you graduate. Yeah normal..

And also, she kept on complimenting me on how I look. In my mind I thought "what's fucking wrong with you duuude?" Don't repeat that word I'm starting to believe it HAHAHA. No really O_O =)) *kilig*

ANYWAY.

Going back to the place where we have our class (not even close to a classroom, so that is just how I put it), I began to talk more with the person I just met about our profession and to my surprise, he was not a newly grad. I told him he looked like a newly grad. He said "Thanks" sounding so proud. HAHA. Accept my compliment mister HAHA. 

Anyway, Nursing is even his second course.To be honest I started counting years in my mind, predicting how old he was. Around 25-26 probably because he said he has one year experience. I never really asked how old he was.  

He asked me questions that tested my knowledge. He was asking me about the visa I'm trying to apply for. And he said he was getting the bridging one. I am not very familiar and the things I know about those can be counted by my fingers. I learned more from him and he gained nothing from me. HAHA. He knows a lot. I'm glad he gave me a handshake. Praise random people, I learned essential things.

I realized that I really stand on my own shoes. I need to ask and ask, to talk to people to know information about things. As of the moment I learned a lot today because I listened to the bits of information our lecturer told us and it was really informative.  

On the other hand, I'm going to talk about this - a realization regarding speaking with a random person. Just when we parted ways, I realized 

"What did I do?" 

I spoke with

I ate with

I get to know 

And we will never meet again. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.  

Weird.
Different.
I AM QUESTIONING MYSELF.

Probably won't be the last. 

There are a lot of people who will be like this guy. Randomly talking and then gone forever. You learn a thing or two and you will remember that person for what they share to you. You may never meet again but those information they shared, you will remember it and it will be in a form of a guide in some way.

Sometimes it's not a piece of information, sometimes it would probably be an advice. Nevertheless those little pieces of words - it will help you in ways you'll never know until *ding* "I remember him say..." And then you'll catch yourself smiling, thanking God for a random person who passed by your way. 

*OMG I JUST REMEMBERED my terror C.I. HAHAHA I'm glad he was able to handle me, he made me immune to hardcore criticisms*

I'm glad I'm being introduced to such kind of opportunities. I am a SLOW person and my future plans are not weaven in any way -- I have a clean page with nothing written on it but I think I'm starting to see some random things :)))))))))) They would probably just be doodles right now but I'm pretty sure they'd be good pictures as I learn more about LIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFEEEEE. 

Let me hug you God, mama, papa, kuya, friends, mentors, and random people!

Words

I watched an "inspirational video" and it states that for you to have a purpose, you must "Know Your Sentence" something like "He taught two generations of kids how to read" something like that.

Now makes me wonder -- really I'm not someone who has a purpose or a dream. No goal or something. Yeah to make money, well isn't that given already? I want something that is like not the usual goal for it to be considered a dream HAHAH too choosy? XD 

Well okay. Setting aside my perception of what a "purpose" is, I'll just list down things that I want.

• I want to work in a hospital.
• I want to earn a lot of money

Okay so there are two things that I have in mind right now. There is no love life there because... I'm not sure about that part? LOL. As a high schooler and a college student I've never really had a chance to explore the world. I am someone who follows the rules and live life the way they said I am supposed to live it.

Makes me admire people who are so carefree and have the courage to skip classes, for a vacation, or something -- even if something important is up there for school. I mean, I came to realize that school is not really that fun when you keep it normal. I mean, enjoy trying out sports or music classes... or dance... well I was into dance during grade school and then I don't know why I gave up on that :| and now there are a lot of KPOP dances that I want to dance. OH I kind of try to copy it thought HAHA out of boredom. But I need people to be with meeeee :))

I don't really know a lot of people. 

Well I know a lot but I am not close to a lot.

Well that's a wrong thing for me, I'm like introverted. LOL. So I'm kind of trying to step out of the box and just blurt out whatever thoughts I have -- may it be weird, because now nobody gives a fuck (unless you are caught in a video or something)

Oh another thing is that... I'm like this picture:

I more on write or think. I do not say or do.

That's another flaw.

I should really put an effort on myself HAHA.

But still, I don't know about the lovelife part

I just want to enjoy... go somewhere... be with friends.. be active... live a life..

I'd probably try and invite my mom to go out. She's always tired. She's already old, and sick too. But I want to go out. If all else fails I'll drag random neighbors. But they got school... so really what :)))) 

I'd probably stop thinking that I'm a burden to my parents first... so that I can freely try and ask for money.

And they are also telling me that I can go to Australia. But I will study first.

But I am having second thoughts... because of money...

They said they can provide I DON'T BELIEVE THEM. 

They might borrow or something ahahahaah. 

If they mean it show it to meeee. I must tell them, so that I won't worry that I am given much opportunity but they will be having troubles BECAUSE THEY GIVE ME OPPORTUNITY. 

:(

I can't grab and grab without considering what will happen to them. 

I'm just... jsut show me.

LOL Oh yea, parents don't read blogs. LOL

I don't know when I'll fall in love... i'm not looking. BUT I HAVE A CRUSH. 

But it's impossible if you don't know them like personally... only from afar... truth hurts so bad. LMAO. 

Enough. 

Fear

I am FEARFUL.

Makes me want to break down when I realize my fears. Some of them are shallow fears when told, but hey! A fear is a fear no matter how shallow. Fear causes stress and makes a person not completely function. Makes the mind think otherwise and be an idiot. The feeling of being an idiot is overwhelming that contributes to worrying rather than problem solving.

So those fears, are important and must be recognized.

HATE FEARS.

It's CHALLENGING to fight them. 

That's how it's supposed to be

I got my license number but the claiming of the ID is on November 28. I do things one by one and it does come one by one. Funny thing is that the first two numbers on my license is 76 -- which was my lowest score in the exam lol the number that kept me hanging! It is near failure. I said to myself I will remember that and I don't want to get that again but seems like it is a constant reminder that I am always almost hanging - so I got to pick up the pace and try to excel in everything that I choose to do. 

I can feel it -- that I hold the things in my hand. I am responsible of what I want, what I choose, what I do. I'm on my own. It's like a quest (in comparison to a game) and I shall fulfill it on my own. However along the way doing it would be repetitive so I got to find someone who is willing to fulfill quests with me! Be it my family, friends, or a future loved one.

I recently listened "Living young and wild and free" and I immediately agreed to it. Well he chorus, not all because it talks about weed; but the idea is that do whatever you want that makes you happy and do not give a damn to whoever else is watching.

So what? 

We’re just having fun 

We don’t care who sees 

So what we go out? 

That’s how it's supposed to be

 Living young and wild and free

Anyare?

Parang ang bilis ng mga araw. Hindi ko napapansin anong araw na! 

Ilang days nalang kukunin ko na Lisensya ko woooow. Hanggang lisensya lang muna wala pang trabaho :)) Pero mukhang October pa ako magkakaroon ng busy days. Iniisip ko gusto ko yung Red Cross seven days... wala lang para seven days rin akong may gagawin. LOL. Pero sa lung center kasi 2 days pero 2010 protocol. 

Ang hirap kasi mag decide. I only heard of the price and protocol but I have no idea regarding the schedule and the activities that will be given. Sa 6 days productive kaya? Malamang Red Cross yon. Parang bale wala naman kung 2010 or 2005 parehong training kase. Ang tanong, sasagip ka ba ng buhay ng iba? Bale wala yung 6 or 2 days kung di maapply ng matino. Nasa tao na rin yun. 

Parang pag pili lang ito kung sasama ng in-house o hindi. Kung ano desisyon mo, wag mo nang tingnan yung ibang options. Wag mo nang isipin "what if" kasi wala ka dun. Kung ano nasa harap mo yun na yon. Isang option lang talaga. Take one and leave the other. 

Papahirapan mo lang sarili mo kapag regret ka ng regret hindi ka pa makaka-concentrate. Kaya ayoko ng comparisons e @_@ At ayoko rin ng hiwahiwalay kayong magkakasama kasi HINDI talaga maiiwasan mag compare. Maganda kung ibang tao, I mean hindi mo nakasama tapos kayo nag compare -- at least diba, alam mo deep inside may pride ka na :)) Kahit anong ganda ng kanila whatever nalang. 

Well onti siguro, mag regret ka pero MAGKAKASAMA naman kayong magsisisi -- all that's left is something to laugh at. 

Wala lang. 

Gulo na ang utak ko. haha. 6 or 2? RC or LC ? Lala. 

Pano nga ba dumiskarte sa buhay lalo na kung wala kang pangarap? 

Pano ba. Haha. Wala pa akong sagot diyan. 

Gusto ko na rin ata makakilala ng lalake na magiging partner ko for life. Para maiba. Boring na e. Utak ako ng utak e walang laman puso ko :( HAHAHA Ay teka, parang utak ko wala na ring laman... wala na kasing tumatakbo dun e :(

Hahah whatever self. 

Gusto ko yung lalake na maingay siguro, kahit mahilig siya mang-asar etc. Basta carry ko lang rin naman sumagot sagot pabalik na pang asar rin. LOL. Ewan. Gusto ko may sense of humor, mahilig lumabas, mahilig mag plano, mahilig pumunta kung saan saan. May trabaho or fresh grad na magaling maghanap ng trabaho :)) Basta. Gusto ko yung ipon kami parehas ng pera at gagastusin yon para mag punta kung saan saan. Di ko pa naiisip mag settle down e, as in kasal or own family. Ang naiisip ko palang gusto ko ng adventure! Never ako nagka boyfriend so ma sspend ko siguro mga 4-5 years pa as you know, a girlfriend rather than a wife with kids. LMAO. I'm still youuuung naman e. Ano baaaa baka feeling ko ang tanda ko na kasi BUM ako at bulok na ako sa bahay. LOL. NO! I'm young wild and freeeee.  with no moneeeeey. LOL.

May epekto ba ang alak sa mood? Ma search nga. Kasi simula nung nag inuman kami, hindi pa ako nadedepress o_o may epekto kaya? Alam ko stimulant then depressant ang alcohol. But I was not depressed or sad for like... 3 days na. LOL. 

Napaka go with the flow ko simula nun e. 

Ano kaya nangyari sa akin at natanggap ko ang mga bagay na nasa paligid ko at...medyo nakakapagisip na ako tungkol sa buhay, Kung alak lang pala edi gooooo. Feel ko may tendency ako inom ng inom :)) I dunno. With friends siguro. hohoho. 

More of depressed ako this day and tomorrow, whatever world nalang. Pero ngayon parang, sakto lang. Tamang araw lang. I'm not happy. Pero minsan pala sad out of nowhere pero blaaaaah. Di ko naman alam kung bakit. Di naman ako oh so positive person -- NR lang :)) Ewan. I've thought of giving up as well. Yung parang, kahit mamatay ako ngayon, sakto lang. Wala naman akong gustong gawin e. I won't feel sad or anything. LOL. No one expects from me or something. Ayos na mamatay. LOL. Ewan, pero I'm not into slashing wrists. I tried like, way back but I didn't really do something awful... I don't know if people enter that stage. Iba iba ang kwento. Sarap pakinggan ng kwento. Ngayon, di na, -- thoughts nalang. Pero I'm not physically injuring myself. No I don't have scars on my wrists. More on "scratch" nga lang ginagawa ko noon e. Kasi takot rin siguro ako -- baka matuluyan ako :)) E masakit. E madrama. E baka pagalitan pa ako kapag unsuccessful diba. HAHA. I dunno.

Tingin ko iba talaga ako kapag written na ang mga bagay. 

Mas okay kaya akong kausap sa chat, or sa personal?

LOL.

Ano kaya? Haha matanong nga sa iba.

Pag ako may binabasa sa internet, animated rin pagbabasa ko sa utak ko e. As in parang may voice... Kunwari ang pagkatype mo ay: Hi Lyzaaaa! Edi parang ang saya saya mo diba? Pero pag. Hello Lyza. Normal. pero hindi ko ma feel yung excitement. haha parng ganun basta. XD Animated. Basta may voice over. LOL.

The brain is still a big mystery.

OKay.... uhm... antok na ko. 2:30am na. Lusog busog eyebags na.

Ang ingay ko mag type ng post ngayon. Ewan. May somethin ata sa akin e. Hyper? lalalad.fasdfa zzzzzzzzzzz

Today

Nafefeel ko na onti nalang yung mga days na ganito ako. I mean, pinagsasawaan ko lang siguro mga bagay. Once na fulfill ko na yung gusto ko, baka maghanap na ako ng direksyon sa buhay ko. That includes work, love, family, and friends. 

I think I got off the idea that I'm wasting time -- I'm really not actually. I realized that this is just what I really want to do :)) Well, it might not be that fun for others but this is how I lived it. I live it with people who also want to live it like this. Once I'm over it, I will step out and say goodbye and then walk to find a new path. 

I stay because I want to, I leave because I want to. 

I probably am a free spirit right now. 

I can be influenced to stay for a while or forever or... I don't know. 

Just... I will just do what I want. 

I believe I'm not irresponsible. One of these days I might get struck in the head :)) 

But for now, I'm fine. 

Plan

PLAN PLAN PLAN.

Find Self

What do you want?

What is next?
WHEN?

Start. Start.Start.

Get out, live

MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY

Give yourself opportunities

Take the chance

Do it the hard way

OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

Risky

FOCUS

Be who you are

LIVE WHILE YOU ARE HERE. 

Fail

Reality does strike easily.

There's always going to be someone higher than you -- there's always always going to be someone better. I think if I failed, I don't know where I will be. I wonder if I'll be strong. Just now I am starting to recognize those who fail. One of them are the twins. One passed, one failed. Like imagine how they both feel. 

Funny 'cause when a problem arises when you are in Grade School or High School -- you say "okay lang yan" but as you grow, you realize that those lines are nothing but bull. Reality check -- it's not okay. 

Just one thing -- lost for words

Until one person will be there who will break the silence. Someone who knows that "kaya mo yan" are words that seems out of place but will still say it. Someone who'll tell you that same lines told in GS and HS but with conviction and belief. Probably it's not the words. It's how it is delivered. Because nothing could be any better than someone who keeps his/her faith in you no matter how much you already hate yourself. It may do wonders. 

I really love my batch.

The batch may be too hard to handle; but I'm thankful for the people in it who would make it easier.

A round of applause. 

Numbers

This post contains the grades I got in the Licensure exam. Yeah you guessed it right, it's for bragging purposes. Lmao. Well whatever -- it's going to be an inspiration for me.You can't say that these are mere numbers -- to me it's something big that I want to look at and be proud of. 

Continue reading, if you don't mind my boasting ;)

Because of Beast

Heya!
Because of Beast a train of thoughts appeared.

I've finished watching Beast's Documentary.

I've just seen, pure hard work from people who dreamed and chased their dream. Look at them now, they are one of the famous Korean bands out there. I feel proud for their hard work. For me, my favorite episode is the one were they headed for the beach. They did some sort of Team Building. I think that kind of "Team Building" is a symbolism of the hardships they will encounter. 

It must really feel good to dream of something and work hard for it. All the patience, dedication, and all those.. you'll be able to experience different kinds of emotions. The glory in the end would probably be priceless. 

They are aged 20-23 I think.

I can't help to compare myself sometimes. I hate to say this but, my head was filled with "what-ifs" I regret not having a strong conviction to myself. I regret that at a young age, I never really thought of what I wanted to become. Well probably I've thought of it: I've dreamed of graduating Grade School, High School, and College. I did! Lol. I've always answered those questions simply. Back in GS and HS there were activities were you get to write "Where do I see myself 5 years and 10 years from now" I want to ponder about it now. I've done Graduating, so shit just got real.

Okay back to Beast. They started at a very young age and worked hard from the moment they realized what they wanted. Truly a child's dream, is a real dream.. They are lucky. 

I've recently talked to an upperclassmen (a colleague) and what I remember is that he asked me what I wanted. He said it will be hard if I don't know what I wanted. I gave, answers that I think I want. But no, it's not in my heart just yet. I have doubts. But that's what I think I attain. I hope that one of these days I will be able to really embrace that liking. And from then on I'll try to push for it.

Sadly I often settle for something that's presented in front of me.

Well life didn't happen yesterday.

Job opportunities are just... rare. 

I'm still clueless.

Here I am watching other people reach their dreams.

What about myself?

Ha.

I think that I'll hate what other people may say about me. It is obvious. 

But yeah, I still do hope some of them will believe in me. 

Even if I'm in this state right now (bum/no initiative). 

Haaa. I'm hating that word.

Honestly I want to pity myself. But I have no fvckin right. I think I don't want to cry out of something I haven't looked for. If I cry I'll loose the 'anger' I feel for myself -- that may be my source of drive. I hate hearing the truth from other people... recently, I told someone that I was getting bored. He told me that there are a lot of things to do... I'm just not looking for it. I thought he'd joke around -- I don't know if what he said was a joke well it was on chat -- but it freakin' struck me and I was depressed for some time because I know it is true. I hate that it's actually true.

*Sigh.
Like I've said, I know what my state is right now.

I think that I'll hate what other people may say about me. It is obvious. 

But yeah, I still do hope some of them will believe in me.

Just like that I'll think I'll end this post here. 

Beauty

No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't. - Marilyn Monroe

I think there's really something in the psyche of women regarding beauty. I am curious what are the different insights of men and women regarding beauty. The typical idea is that men want to have those muscles firm and toned so they'll feel good about themselves. Women on the other hand wants to be pretty by putting those make-ups and such, to add up their self-esteem. Is it really about self-confidence? Or how other people might view you?

Religion

Hmm... just a thought.
A while ago we went to an anticipated mass because I can't go to mass tomorrow since I'll be going somewhere.

 I just had a thought regarding the priest, it's like he's more of telling people what to do and he's pointing out imperfections of people. Maybe it's the way he delivered it, that I do not like. I probably prefer it if priests would rather inspire than pin-point wrong doings and tell people what to do. To me, it appears as if they are trying to... threaten us with fear? I'm sorry I can't describe it in other words... Well something like that. Instead of asking people to look into themselves, analyze what they feel about God, they just state all wrongdoings of people and... tell them to do otherwise. I don't get it in some way.

This is probably the downside of my religion, the priests who are not really that sincere of what they are doing. I don't think he is sincere. I do believe in God, but what these people preach is probably another story. It just irritates me that there are a lot of inconsistencies going around my religion. 

I believe that a person must also be equipped with spirituality; of what one values and live life with. However, I can't really feel this community as a whole. I can't feel it. It is probably one of the reason, why I am easily shaken and lost. The religion I grew up to seems off. It's like, they teach me about it but there aren't any words or message that strongly left a mark in me. Something is missing.

I really am thankful to our in-house review because that is where it was clear to me. God became clear to me and honestly I really believe in Him. Though in terms of the whole Catholic thing, I'm not going to be firm about it.  I know it is nice to have a great Catholic community (I am a 'fan' of the idea of working together, teamwork and stuff related to groups with bonds) , but still... I am lost. Probably the best thing that happened to me as a Catholic is that I was introduced to God. 

But don't get me wrong, I do not have the idea of changing my religion. Like I've said, I believe in God, and He's the one thing that's keeping me on my ground. I've known Him here, so I'll bear with all the inconsistencies. I will go to Church and pray to thank Him, I'll lift up my burden to Him, and I'll beg for His mercy.

The other beliefs and values of my life, I think it's going to be up to me to weigh those.

I prefer to define them personally.

I guess this is just it. The way I define my religion. 

Clothes, shoes, wants, dreams and money

As the days of this week passed by, my mind was filled with thoughts of what I want to have! From casual dresses(Liz Lisa), hair accessories, concealers/make-up(just to play with lol), shoes (Bodyline), tops, camera, an Xbox (oh dear brother buy one please) and a condominium unit or better, house and lot! I also want to go to Asian countries such as Japan and Hong Kong.

I'm like embracing the dreams I had on my mind and as I browse the internet, I begin to see more of what I want. 

How to obtain them, is the problem. 

I've constructed my Resume, but it is still spacious :\ I tried browsing for a job on the internet. I found 2 that I probably like. One is working in a Spa (as a medical assistant) or as a Company Nurse (however you must be a member of OHNAP). I had an idea of what Company Nurses do, thanks to our CHN experience.  Although honestly I'm leaning towards the Spa -- because it's like I'm going to be Secretary-Nurse and the job description was well defined. However, a lot of things are still running in my mind. 

SO I planned my next week's activity. 

In the morning I'll have some exercise, if I can. My field still confuses me of the prerequisites it needs. So probably I'd search for what-to-do's before jumping into conclusions. 

Then just after a year or two I'd spend money for clothes and all those vanity items I wanted. I'll save up for gadgets, travel and for my house. I'd help my parents pay the bills at home and I'll bring them food if I can.

Now shit.

Look at how much money I SHOULD make.

With all the things that I want

With my parents at my back

Bills

LIFE.

Such a puzzle.

Train of Thoughts

This marks the day of my realization, that I am indeed a GRADUATE. I never really felt like being one because of the test I have to take. But as of today, I think I am not in denial or in doubt of what I have finished. I am satisfied of what I have learned. I know that there are a lot of things that I still do not know but it is up to me to supplement the need.

The real question is, "What now?"
From this point, where will I go? What would become of me? How will I find a job? How will I plan my future and all... things flowed in my mind on the way home.

Then I thought, I want to become an ER Nurse. Yes, I really like to become one someday. That probably would become my goal (if I could) as of today :)

That is a competitive position, but I am willing to compete.
I want to work in a hospital :)

Right now, I do not know what to do, but I guess the thought of it may probably be enough for this day.

I'm exhausted of today's exams, I need to rest.

Till then!

The remedy

I reviewed my last post and I did say "i don't worry"

I am here to clear things out from my mind LOL. Because I'm lying when I said that.

Well, I realized that I worry about failing.

If I fail, what will become of me?

So really that INLE is SOMETHING that will define my future. To whatever it is that I may become. I haven't realized what I want -- well maybe work at the ER? Lol. Obviously it's not easy. Nothing is easy and everyone knows that o_o 

So yeah.

I'm glad I'm not a rock o_o 

Or a statue

Just a fvkn troll.

Too long for a thought

Well, I have little to no goal in life :3 

I like to play, watch anime, wrestle with my dog, find some sweets to eat. 

I am interested in knowing how to bake or cook -- but that does not go far.

I am interested in reading books of adventure, classics, also watch movies of all sorts. 

I like daydreaming, sleeping in the afternoon.

I think I can do a lot of things.

I have written poems, literary works, I have made web layouts, I know PhotoShop. 

I think I can draw

Those are my hobbies during the past.

I can play sports o_o

I sing? Lol

What else... 

Well I CAN do, but I am not a master of any of those, like I try and yea so-so I can do it, but only average. Each and every thing, just plain average. Lol. Even my school grades. I study = average. I don't = fail! 

I am interested in finding a job that's not that hard. 

Man, why do I have to deal with lives?

I'm a little bit fucked up -- but that fact has not yet eaten me whole. 

I would probably be happy living in a different place on my own with all the small things I want to do available. 

I don't know where I'm going but I have to keep on running, wherever it may take me. It might as well be different.  

I'm already living a lax life. 

I'm not aiming, not expecting, not going to place effort. 

Not yet? Lol. 

If there are opportunities, I'm going to say 'yes' if it doesn't bother me. Well does that sound as if I'm not thinking? Lol. I'm not sure what those opportunities are. 

I think I am not afraid of what is going to happen to me in the future -- at the moment. I do not worry. I don't know but, I just can't figure it out. I mean, I can't see the whole picture. If I had a goal, I'd probably be worrying that if I can't reach it -- end? Lol. However I have none. So what I see is a vast white plain space; not even road signs o_o that's how I am now, how blank I am now. 

I am also guessing I really am a supporter/follower. I would probably do good when being instructed what to do. Those people who probably wants to have assistants would love me o_o It will probably be a plus if i am really into what that leader wants, because I will really support. HAHA! Really... I'd probably better off being a secretary. No no no... wait. On the health care team, I'd be an Aide or an EMT-tiga (ie. tiga abot, tiga punas, tiga balot etc.) That's who I am. I'm that character in the picture. Lol. Fkin support. In a ball game, I'll defend, grab the ball, fall down trying to pass to other team mates then he'll score. Woo I'm assist. Lol. I'm crowned with "Nice Pass" title. Yeah, that's me and it's not that bad :)

I shall really embrace this personality. 

It'll be troublesome to change it to who I'm not. Well maybe there is this leadership in me -- a little, because I am self-proclaimed, jack of all trades HAHA master of nothing LMAO. 

Well whatever!

I'll be sleeping, slacking, bumming. As long as I am happy and content and no other shit's going to bug me, so be it :)

You are the master of your life

I think my good vibes has returned :) If not completely, at least I am thinking positive. 

And probably there are just times when I feel lonely, but it doesn't really mean I am. Perhaps I was the one who isolated myself and didn't thought of the people around me. 

I am going to be fine now :D