Because of Beast

Heya!
Because of Beast a train of thoughts appeared.

I've finished watching Beast's Documentary.

I've just seen, pure hard work from people who dreamed and chased their dream. Look at them now, they are one of the famous Korean bands out there. I feel proud for their hard work. For me, my favorite episode is the one were they headed for the beach. They did some sort of Team Building. I think that kind of "Team Building" is a symbolism of the hardships they will encounter. 

It must really feel good to dream of something and work hard for it. All the patience, dedication, and all those.. you'll be able to experience different kinds of emotions. The glory in the end would probably be priceless. 

They are aged 20-23 I think.

I can't help to compare myself sometimes. I hate to say this but, my head was filled with "what-ifs" I regret not having a strong conviction to myself. I regret that at a young age, I never really thought of what I wanted to become. Well probably I've thought of it: I've dreamed of graduating Grade School, High School, and College. I did! Lol. I've always answered those questions simply. Back in GS and HS there were activities were you get to write "Where do I see myself 5 years and 10 years from now" I want to ponder about it now. I've done Graduating, so shit just got real.

Okay back to Beast. They started at a very young age and worked hard from the moment they realized what they wanted. Truly a child's dream, is a real dream.. They are lucky. 

I've recently talked to an upperclassmen (a colleague) and what I remember is that he asked me what I wanted. He said it will be hard if I don't know what I wanted. I gave, answers that I think I want. But no, it's not in my heart just yet. I have doubts. But that's what I think I attain. I hope that one of these days I will be able to really embrace that liking. And from then on I'll try to push for it.

Sadly I often settle for something that's presented in front of me.

Well life didn't happen yesterday.

Job opportunities are just... rare. 

I'm still clueless.

Here I am watching other people reach their dreams.

What about myself?

Ha.

I think that I'll hate what other people may say about me. It is obvious. 

But yeah, I still do hope some of them will believe in me. 

Even if I'm in this state right now (bum/no initiative). 

Haaa. I'm hating that word.

Honestly I want to pity myself. But I have no fvckin right. I think I don't want to cry out of something I haven't looked for. If I cry I'll loose the 'anger' I feel for myself -- that may be my source of drive. I hate hearing the truth from other people... recently, I told someone that I was getting bored. He told me that there are a lot of things to do... I'm just not looking for it. I thought he'd joke around -- I don't know if what he said was a joke well it was on chat -- but it freakin' struck me and I was depressed for some time because I know it is true. I hate that it's actually true.

*Sigh.
Like I've said, I know what my state is right now.

I think that I'll hate what other people may say about me. It is obvious. 

But yeah, I still do hope some of them will believe in me.

Just like that I'll think I'll end this post here.