Feeling down

I've been feeling down lately. Depressed if that's what you call it.

I think I lack social support XD Well I have friends, but each of them have different way of choosing and I am not contradicting them. I also have something different in mind, so I go my own way. I'm not someone who will try and influence the decision of another person.

I never really had a 'group'. I always just join in or come along with random people. The problem with me is that during the past, I'd often turn down an invitation to go somewhere or if they ask me to stay with their group of friends -- I'll turn it down. At the back of my mind I'm thinking 'i do not belong there' or something. But sooner I've realized, if I could have come, I would probably get to know those new faces, and perhaps, learn about who they are and eventually be friends with them one way or another.

Well unless those persons are my group mates or classmates, I will of course, join them wherever, because we got some commonalities that is already known to me.

I tend to isolate myself to new people -- if there is no reason for me to know them, I would not. So that probably made me in this kind of situation -- that feeling that I do not have any one to be with XP

Yea. However I am trying this week.

My close friend, for some reason did not go to school for like -- everyday LMAO. So I'm stuck with her friends. Last week I always go home by myself because they still want to go to the mall and stuff. And I don't feel that I need to go with them because, I felt I'm not needed or something. So this week, I tried. I went with them until they want to go home already. It was a good feeling -- like at this point I can still make new friends. It made me happy and content and glad it was them I am with.

I bawled myself out yesterday, lying that I skipped school (again) because I woke up late. I never woke up late LMAO. I just feel empty and sad each day. I probably feel lonely. I also have the ideation that I am worthless, useless, and I even want to die. I can't see the point. I felt I'm being too much dependent to my parents that I need to isolate myself from my parents so that I will learn how to do things on my own. I feel uneasy knowing that I can't live on my own. Maybe if I die it'll not be a big deal to anyone. I'm probably just invisible or something.

Given those things running in my mind I forgot my worth.

I forgot the things that I like.

I forgot my potential

In short I forgot to take a look at the positive things in my life.

Well it is not now that I will jot those down -- someday I hope, I'll remember the things that I am worthy off, and to make myself stop thinking about dying.

I'm not good at sharing my thoughts, especially the negative ones. It's probably because there's this side of me that tells me 'somehow it will be alright' and stuff like that. So it's kind of bad... I shall share my insights once in a while...