Everything is given to me. Everything is arranged by my parents. As in everything.
However, there is an uneasy feeling I feel every time something is given to me. It is as if I am irritated that why is everything given? I am thankful, but it has always been like this. I do not know if I have a personality disorder of what sort. I think I am a person who wants to get things using my own strength out of my own money. But that can't happen at the moment. I think I am someone who wants to do things on my own, not influenced by other's decisions and all those.
I want to walk at my own pace and get things by my own.
I do not want to depend or become dependent on others.
Being given all of these by my parents doesn't really make me feel good.
I am someone who is satisfied easily -- so basically what they give are all FINE to me. However I lack the feeling of SATISFACTION and HAPPINESS. I also feel uneasy when I ask for money without doing something that I deserve that money. I don't know if my expectation to myself is that high, and I'm not reaching it. Though I don't care if I reach it but I NEVER felt worth it.
Maybe that is another problem. I can't make myself feel worth it. I am not satisfied. It will probably be ALRIGHT if I feel worth it, then OF COURSE I will gratefully accept everything.
I think I need to be worthy of what is given.
self-pity on.
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EDIT:
I searched google. Soteriophobia is the fear of dependence.
That is why maybe I feel uneasy.
And recalling my previous feelings -- it has something to do with this.
I self pity so much because of the fear of depending.... ffffffffffuuuuu
Ewan ko, napansin ko ganun na talaga qualities mo. Kulang sa will power? Ewan, simple ka lang kasi talagang tao. Haha, well at least graduate ka na ngayon, mas mapapag isipan mo na yung mga bagay na yan. Saka kasi kung walang effort, wala rin mangyayari. What makes a person independent? List mo yng qualities, then pwede mo yun i work on one by one. pero eventually, upon facing the real world sa tingin ko naman masasanay ka rin maging independent. Saka kung may gusto kang gawin, gawin mo, wag mo ideprive sarili mo sa mga gusto mong gawin kasi kaka depress un. Alamin mo muna kung ano tlg gusto mo, then one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteOo nga e
ReplyDeleteslow kong taow XD
kailangan kong matuto maging driven kahit wala akong motivation :))
eee
pero siguro all will follow kung gagalaw ako :))))
ayun, na trigger nga rin pala ito ng pangyayari sa bahay kaya feeling ko useless ako :))
kbye.
this post now looks so irritating to my eyes #_#